Just A Dream

I value my dream life. Both night dreams and day dreams, it doesn’t matter. Many of the things I love best come to me, in some way… small or large… through the clarity of dreaming. Today I am packing some precious belongings to head for Sadie’s Place, our little  cottage in Ashe County, N.C. Most of what I pack are items that I use when playing with my dreams. Journal, paints, a book of poetry, garden gloves, seeds, my favorite pillow and fleece blanket, coffee beans and a couple bottles of 3-buck -chuck from Trader Joe’s.  I”ll need my old cotton sweatshirt and flannel pants along with the fuzzy pink socks…my morning-turn-noon- time uniform. There’s an old metal rocking chair sitting on the covered porch waiting for me.

People often ask how we found this amazing cottage. But I really have to say that Sadie’s Place found us in a which- came -first-the- chicken- or- the- egg kind of dream. I’ll explain

A few years ago while riding bikes along Peak Creek Church Road, Steve and I spied a small “for sale” sign near a somewhat weary 1930’s farmhouse.  Since this was the only house nearby we guessed  it must be the one  that belonged to the  sign. Finding the house empty and no one around we decided to rest on the front steps. We were struck by the quiet simplicity and found ourselves stopping frequently in the weeks to come. First we just sat on the front steps. Then we walked along the creek that fronted the property. Then we ventured into the woods of the Blue Ridge Parkway behind the house. Resting there was always nurturing and a bit magical. We began to make-up stories about the families who lived by the creek and ate apples from the aging trees or grapes from the vines twined in the alders.

One day as we walked along the creek we found an old slab of concrete among the rocks. There were names and a date scratched into the surface.  The date of the inscription read, July 7th…my birthday. We were surprised and thought “Ooooh. maybe it’s a sign. Maybe we should think about buying this house.”  Now you have to remember  there’s something really nice about a pretty place to rest where you don’t have to mow, clean, or make payments. So the idea didn’t take hold immediately. Until………and this is why I value dreams……

A week or so after finding the rock of the birth date I had a vivid and colorful dream.  In the dream I was calmly telling my employer that I would be leaving my work because we were buying Sadie’s Place and it had seven chairs that I needed to fill with seven women. These seven women would be sitting together to envision healing for the world. In the dream the women were accompanied by our cat, Sadie.

So this is the chicken or the egg part. We didn’t have a cat. I hadn’t planned to leave my work, and I wasn’t too sure about the seven chairs part. After pondering the dream  I realized that the house (which was for sale as-is, and was steeped in is-ness…this is the dead car on the lawn, this is the toilet that won’t flush, this is the old wiring, etc.)  did indeed have exactly 7 seats. They were all  1940’s vintage metal porch furniture. A glider which I count as three seats and four rockers. They were rusty but sturdy and I loved them. Borrowing from the famous scene in the movie “Contact”:  This Means Something!

It gets better. A week or so after the dream I took our dog to the vet for her yearly check-up. I mentioned to the vet that someday down the road we might be interested in adopting a kitten. (Amazing since I have never liked cats.) She says wait a minute and leaves the room. She returns with a small, white furry thing in the hood of her sweatshirt. I’m in love and to make a short story shorter. Sadie, who was abandoned at 3 weeks of age comes home in the hood of my sweatshirt at the ripe old age of 6 weeks. I’m now the Mom and our miniature schnauser is her reluctant siibling.

So how do these things come into being? Was Sadie out there waiting for a home. Was the empty cottage waiting for us? It’s sweet mystery. Is it just a dream? I’ve left my hectic work life and now find my life’s work often involves sitting with others in the seven seats of Sadie’s Place. Rockiing, sometimes quietly  and sometimes with laughter or music or tears.Visitors will tell you that Sadie is sure that it’s her place. She probably knows a lot more but she’s not talking. She just lounges peacefully in my lap. Purring sweet dreams.

Love At First Sight

This morning Steve and I lingered over our morning meditations which prompted a discussion of love at first sight. I’ve always loved Valentines Day. Not for the slurpy, silly, market driven reasons. Not just  a romantic notion,  but a day for unabashed thoughts of love. I’ve enjoyed making paper valentines with my children, singing at nursing homes, and eating with friends at a favorite restaurant which donated profits to the local food bank.  One year my children and I were on a particularly tight budget, but we considered it important to eat together and decided to celebrate the day at an inexpensive sandwich shop in the neighborhood. As we were about to enter the restaurant a homeless gentleman approached me and said, “I don’t want to scare you or your children, but I was wondering if you might have a little extra money so I can get a hamburger.” I fell in love with his face at first sight. In his eyes I saw gentleness and trust. My children hung out with him while I went inside to place his order. After I handed him his take-out Valentine’s supper the kids and I had a wonderful, simple meal together and a great conversation about ways to love ourselves and those who come into our lives. I’ve known love at first sight with a puppy, a cottage along a creek, a soul mate, and several  newborn babies. On a few occasions I’ve even fallen in love with the first glimpse of my own reflection in a mirror.

Love at first sight as I generally think of it, is a precious gift and memory. But today I’m looking more deeply into the idea of “first sight”. Or what it means to see something or someone as if for the first time.  I seem to be naturally gifted at seeing the world this way, and for this I am grateful. Even so, there are times when I’ve almost missed the opportunity to fall in love and I’m sure, way too many times I’ve completely missed what was right in front of me.

The first week of February we drove up to D.C. to spend a few days with Adam & Kat. It was enough just  enjoying their company and remembering how much fun it is to get an all day metro pass and go this way and that, without much of a plan. We saw Julia Child’s kitchen at the Museum of American History as well as Michelle Obama’s portrait, freshly hung. Lovely! We went to the top of the Washington Monument on an unusually clear day that had me humming “on a clear day you can see forever.” We ate hotdogs from a street vendor and took a nap under a tree on the mall. We went to a Farmer’s Market before attending All Souls Church and spent an afternoon at the National Arboretum. Lest I forget, we made chili and screamed at the wretched outcome of the Super Bowl. None of us are big Super Bowl enthusiasts, but it seemed like a good idea. The chili was magnificent! Yes, all this would have been plenty, but the icing on the cake came on our last day. And this is the kind of love at first sight I’ve been thinking  about.

As our Christmas gift Adam & Kat had purchased tickets for Alvin Ailey’s American Dance Theater’s 50th Anniversary performance at the Kennedy Center. Opening night would also feature Sweet Honey in the Rock. Can it get any better? Well, it did! I had not been in the Kennedy Center for years. I have fond memories of times there as a young girl, but as we took our seats I saw it as if for the first time. Such beauty and excitement. The ceiling shone like an exquisite brooch. Intricate and dainty and vibrating light. The colors of walls and carpet were deep and rich. But the greatest  beauty belonged to the gathering crowd. There was an energy of celebration, almost like  inaugural festivities were moving into the next phase. Families like us were dressed up and ready to go. It was a windy, below-freezing walk from even the closest  parking space, so even the people in furs looked perfectly readied for the evening. I saw all of this with  new eyes. I saw the people and the light and the color. I saw a dream coming true, a hope emerging, a potential for life together. I watched a mother with her young daughter, whispering bits of information to help the child understand the meaning beneath the movement of the dancers. There are simply no words that convey what it’s like to watch these dancers interpret the story of a people. Of all people of faith who struggle and endure and emerge.  I saw lace-edged handkerchiefs dab small, slow tears. Love at first, 0pen-hearted, wide-eyed sight!

Logan Ward — Blogs, Pictures, and more on WordPress

Logan Ward — Blogs, Pictures, and more on WordPress

For those of you who think on these things, I found one of my entries here. It’s a great book and calls us to think about what the good life, past or present, really means and what it will “cost” us. Let me know what you think.

snow day!

Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy! It’s snowing. It’s falling like crazy. There’s a blanket of white covering everything. This is great!

I forgot to feed the birds. I gave away my hot chocolate last week. My work plans will have to change.

I’m putting on a pot of soup beans. Making cornbread. Pulling ham slices from the freezer. Pouring a hot cup of coffee.

Pulling the rocking chair up to the wood stove. Snuggling in my fleece.  Throwing on an extra log. Warming my cozy-socked feet.

Glancing out the window…repeatedly. It’s still falling. I think it’s falling harder than at last glance.

I stand at the window and trace snowflakes and hearts and my name on frosty panes. I consider the weight of a snowflake on pine bough.

I read poetry by the fire. Watch Steve snooze. Stir the soup beans. Make mental pictures of this good life.

I cuddle in the corner of the couch and daydream and journal and imagine the baskets I’ll weave and garden I’ll plant. Ummmm, tomato sandwiches.

I return to the window. I trace my hand. I calculate the depth of snow on the picnic table. I spot Sadie (the cat) chasing snowflakes and making what must be a cat’s version of snow angels.

I want to make snow angels!

I find boots and gloves and long underwear and scarves and all manner of things hidden in the backs of closets.

It’s a perfect snow. A perfect day.

I come in from the cold. I am warmed again by the fire and by the friends gathered to celebrate a new day. Inauguration day.

I plan to celebrate with all the hope, awe, wonder  and trust of a child. Please join me.

Tree Hugger

Steve and I recently added a new voice to our morning ritual. Titled “The Book of Awakening,” Mark Nepo’s daily meditations are a poet’s words of awakening to life after walking down long halls in the school of hard knocks. He takes the places that rubbed down his rough edges, the darkest corners, the loneliest nights and emerges light as a feather. Each morning I read Mark Nepo’s thoughts about having the life I want by being present to life I have. It is an outstanding way to orient my day.

Yesterday morning he offered this quote from Naomi Shihab Nye, “Older now, you find holiness in anything that continues” then posed this question. “What is oldest in you?”

I like to remember that as a child I would sit in the maple tree and, well.. just sit. I listened and watched. But mostly I just sat in the crooked seat where branches crossed paths on their journey toward the sky. I marveled at the simple. I felt the connection of all life. I imagined myself the sap moving through the tree.

These days I find myself leaning forward with excitement into conversations about small shifts in cultural perceptions and random evidence of a world turning toward its spiritual center. Some days it feels like I was born to wait for this time in human history. So it is not new to me, this awareness. The desire to revel in the slow, methodical ways of the Universe. It is old in me.

I don’t remember, but I guess my Mom gave me the skills to reach my maple tree chair. I do remember how she taught each of my boys to climb. First the orange tree in the backyard and then the magnolia tree out front. The first branches were only a foot or so above the ground, but the boys delighted in their freedom and the way the world looked from their new heights. Eventually each would quietly find a way to visit the tree alone. If we were patient Mom and I could witness this miracle from the window. It’s not easy to watch your child climb and slip and stretch so far and reach so high and sometimes fall and wait breathlessly as they wipe the dirt from their sweet little hands and try again. It’s not easy, but oh what a gift!

I once overheard Rusty repeating and mimicking my Mom’s instructions. “First you hold a branch with this hand. Don’t let go until you hold another branch with this hand. Put your foot on this branch. Put your other foot very close. Stop. Look around. Never take both hands off while you’re climbing. When you find a good place wrap your arm around the branch. Hug the tree and sit down.”

I am grateful for the instruction. And I am grateful to have found many places to wrap my arms around a branch and sit down. In those places I enjoy asking Mark’s question. What is oldest in me? I guess it’s my heartbeat. In it s pulsing I feel the rhythm of all time. I know the continual, ancient, ancestral birthing. I remember where I came from and what I’m here for. And I can enjoy the mystery of where I’m going.

what music remembers

I am the daughter of a musician. I am a child of the 60’s. I am the mother of musicians. I sing, I dance, I think in lyrics. When I hear certain music my body remembers what my head and heart may have forgotten. Music is probably the truest language of my heart And prayers the language of my soul. Maybe it’s the reverse, but that’s just a head trip.

My earliest memories are these.

Before i was even old enough to go to school, I would be lifted up and placed on a table beside the record player and given the supreme responsibility of changing the records while my teenage sisters and their friends danced sock-hop style across the living room floor. I memorized the songs by the labels on the 45’s (perhaps a foreign term, but what we called single records). This is the stuff of Happy Days…and they were.

Another memory so vivid it could have been yesterday…I sat on the piano while my Dad’s band rehearsed. Occasionally I would get to tag along when the band played at the Hanes High School prom or a dinner club. I thought the view from the top of the piano must be the best seat in the whole wide world.

Good and important memories.

Things change. My Dad died suddenly when I was nine-years-old. He actually died as his music was being replayed following a gig at a jazz festival in Charleston. I think he liked that. But I feel that at the tender age of nine I lost more than a father, I lost the musical advocate for a girl growing up in the post- 50’s South. i wanted to play organ and skip the piano lessons. No was the answer…that’s not how it’s done. Okay, I want to play drums in the junior high school band. No was the answer. That’s not the way it’s done. Girls don’t play drums. I caved. I played clarinet and later guitar. But I do wonder what it would have been like to have a father who advocated for the choices I wanted to make.

So here’s what I mean about what music remembers. Many years later I am a single mom with three teenage boys. They play guitar and flute and drums and banjo and a little bit of whatever is around. They have friends and girlfriends who play trumpet and cello and bass and harmonica and spoons. Our house is often an open jam and a place where passers-by feel comfortable walking through the front door and joining the music-making.

It’s not lost on me that I missed out on having a musician father yet received three musician sons and a whole herd of musical teenagers along the way. Life has a way of filling in the holes if we’re patient and willing to accept the gifts of the moment. Like this:

One night I dragged myself into the kitchen after a long day at work. I heard the beautiful sound of a saxophone. The instrument I most loved to hear my Dad play. I knew immediately, somehow that it was my Dad’s saxophone I was hearing. I walked into the living room and saw my son’s hands before I saw his face. What I saw were my Dad’s long, beautiful fingers. I remembered my Dad’s hands…Adam’s hands. I didn’t even know that my body had stored the memory of my Dad’s hands. The smell of the saxophone case…the sounds of the instrument…the beauty of the hand-scored music sheets worked together to unleash amazing memory.

Those hand-scored sheets of music magically survived many moves and changes and came to rest in our living room along with all of the instruments and other more contemporary music books. So check this out.

Same living room where I remembered my Dad’s hands, but a few weeks later. We were hosting several members of a German acapella boys choir. After the performance we all made our way home…a few friends in tow. I went to the kitchen to make some snacks for the assembled group of hungry kids. I began to hear incredible big band style music. I thought they had decided to play one of the tapes of my Dad’s band. I wandered into the living room to find the kids, who did not share a common language, communicating beautifully through my Dad’s sheet music. They were playing together, then changing off who would play which instrument, laughing at their mistakes, improvising improvements. I know with everything within me that the music remembered for them what their language barrier couldn’t produce. Music is a powerful language and carries the memory of all history.

I sometimes forget who I am and where I come from.

Music restores my memory and reminds my soul.

For this I am grateful.

Be Careful What You Ask

About a year ago I resigned my work as Assistant Director at Laurel Ridge Camp and Conference Center and committed myself to a year’s sabbatical. I told myself I would spend a year outside the work force, explore and ponder, write a blog, catch up with friends and fun and family. But I would not take a job with a paycheck for one year. After about six months I started thinking about how I like to work, a paycheck isn’t all bad, and it’s really nice to routinely contribute energy to something I believe in. That led me to formulate my request to the universe. It went something like this, ” I’d like to work 15-20 hours per week with an organization that I really connect with. I want my work to be easy but address the needs and hurts of the world. I want to work with people who live their convictions. I want my experience to be useful, but I really want to immerse myself in an unfamiliar situation. It would be great to work in a non-patriarchal system for the first time in my adult work life. I’d like to experience more feminine energy in the leadership. I’d like the bottom line to be people rather than money. I’d like to be the only white southerner on staff. And just for fun, it would be nice if organic gardening and cooking could play into my job description from time to time. And as long as I’m asking for the perfect job, why not ask for daily meditation or yoga.”

So what do you think? In the 11th hour…just one month before the official end of my sabbatical, a new friend emailed me saying there was a position with Stone Circles that she thought would be perfect for me. She didn’t know about my message to the universe…actually. she didn’t know much about me at all. But her little nudge led me to apply for and accept a part-time job that included all of the criteria listed above. Yes, even the garden…and cooking…and meditation!

“The Stone House is a home for spiritual life and strategic action in Mebane, NC. It offers transformational experiences in an atmosphere of deep spiritual life, radical hospitality, strategic action for social justice and sustainable relationship with the land. We are a sanctuary for people of all traditions and no tradition, a place of stillness that understands and values action.” Check out stonecircles.org to see what’s happening.

Spiritual activism is a new term for me even though I’ve been living the philosophy without benefit of terminology. I’ve never considered myself much of a joiner. Certainly not a political or social activist (although this election year should be making an activist of anyone with a pulse), but I find myself right at home working with an organization that supports political and social activists by supporting their spiritual well-being. Cool!

I’d rather be challenged than bored. I love looking at someone’s bookshelves and finding I’ve read only about 1/3 of the books I see on the shelf. There’s a lot for me to learn at The Stone House (retreat center for Stone Circles) and I believe I have a lot to contribute to their work. Ain’t life grand?

So the moral of the story is, be careful what you ask for…you’re probably going to get what you’re looking for. Ask for the desire of your heart. But get ready to handle the generosity of a loving universe!

You’ve Got A Friend

It’s been a hard week for Steve and me. On Monday we learned that one of Steve’s friends took a fall that resulted in a broken neck and fractured skull. We visited his family Monday evening and walked through his studio. Ruffin was a large metal sculptor…an amazing artist and a gentle giant of a man. He was a member of Steve’s men’s group for many years. These guys meet twice a month to share deep and honest conversation about the stuff of life. They share a strong bond and loving kinship. On Tuesday evening the men’s group sat on our deck to share their grief and honor Ruffin’s life.

Last night as we were driving back from a wonderful day in the mountains. Basking in the beauty and joy and love we’d experienced, I received a call from my son Rusty telling me of the death of my dear friend Richard. I haven’t maintained close contact with many of my high school friends. Richard was the exception and I immediately felt the loss of his presence on this earth. We didn’t see each other often. We didn’t email or call. We just shared the same sense of connection we’d known since we were silly, confused teenagers. His smile and hug when we came together never changed and within that embrace I felt safety and acceptance and shared life that didn’t need words. His daughter Lisa and my son Rusty were high school sweethearts and remain soul friends. Richard and I felt lucky to have our families joined in this way. For Rusty, Richard was a father and trusted friend. I am forever grateful to Richard for the way he loved my son.

At times like these life becomes a collection of snapshots. Ruffin’s last visit in our home for Steve’s birthday party, his sculptured mobiles moved by a breeze and dancing overhead, his large hand on Steve’s shoulder as he said good night. My mind conjurs up pictures of Richard and I doing our thing at the Key Club Follies, and the treasured picture of our returning, years later as proud parents to that same R.J. Reynolds High School auditorium to watch Lisa sing (beautifully) and Rusty play drums (powerfully). Good snapshots!

But the picture that stands out evokes the lyrics of the history Richard and I share. James Taylor’s “You’ve Got A Friend” carried us through high school and college and around a world of travels and life experience back to North Carolina. Yeah, I have lots of great snapshots and beautiful memories and for the power of memory I am so grateful. But the picture that breaks my heart and also sustains me is of Richard and Lisa, heads touching, smiling as the camera is rolling and they’re talking with ease about Laurel Ridge. I watched that little segment of the campaign video over and over. I saw my childhood friend all grown up. Now a father grounded in a love he shared generously with his family, his church, his community, his mountain.

I’m going to play all of my old James Taylor records, have a good cry and be thankful for the deep and abiding awareness that I’ve got a friend.

Unpacking

On Saturday (the last non-muggy, less than 90 degree day for who knows how long) I spent 10 hours indoors… in air-conditioning (which I am no longer used to having) along with Evangeline (our extremely capable facilitator) and members (residents) of Blue Heron Farm. If it sounds like I’m gearing up to complain, I’m not. Just whining a little bit. My decision to step outside my former life included a commitment to spending much less time in “meetings.”

Alas, sometimes life together requires meeting together. Saturday was necessary, important and purposeful. As a community we’re in transition. Struggling to articulate who we are, individually and collectively. And ultimately, find our common ground in the form of a vision/value statement. A lot of work had been done prior to Saturday’s gathering so in large part our day was about getting clear. Making sure we really heard each other. And then….

From a list of about 40 core values we’d all contributed, we broke into small groups to identify the three we could agree on. There were four people in the group so no easy-out, make nice kind of stuff like “why don’t we just take one from everybody’s list”. Oh no, this was the real down and dirty. We did it well. Not always pretty. Certainly not always easy. In my group we ended up unpacking “equity” and “abundance”. This is hard work folks if you dare to get below the surface and quit assuming that what you think these words/values mean is the same as what other people think they mean.

Unpacking equity: For my part, equity does not imply equal. I raised three boys and we never operated with the assumption that life was equal. They didn’t get an equal allowance, a car at age 16, a room of their own, or pre-determined amount of birthday gift. Their desire for lap time did not always equal my desire to sit in the rocker. To the best of our ability we did give each other what was needed. This varies by person, age and circumstance. It takes longer to figure out and may even seem at times to be inequitable, but it sure helps draw awareness toward what is needed rather than what is wanted. Equity is about a lot more than equality, but that was just my two-cent contribution to a rich conversation.

Unpacking abundance: I’ll just start by saying that abundance was my bottom-line value contribution. so I really wanted to see it on our list of three values. Within our small group, and later in large group discussion we referred to abundance as a lofty ideal and a fluffy word. I agree! It’s a leap of faith to believe there is enough. I’ve spent the last five years leading mission camps where we faced head-on the overwhelming needs of Appalachian mountain communities. We did this with limited funds, tools, and mostly unskilled, teenage laborers. Miracles were a daily occurrence. I still believe, more than ever, that there is enough. And I also believe we need a lot more practice around sharing and simplicity so the haves and the have-nots are standing closer together. My life revolves around this very practice.

I know there ’s some head shaking and words like “pollyanna” that go around when I speak my truth concerning abundance, and that’s okay. It is a lofty, fluffy notion. But I’ve lived and worked in the opposite place and here’s what I’ve experienced. In the presence of scarcity thinking you usually find what you’re looking for: what’s wrong, what’s missing, what’s hopeless. No thank-you! I’d much rather hang out with Pollyanna than Chicken-Little. If you’re standing beside Chicken-Little when the sky falls you’re gonna feel it.

So when I look at Blue Heron Farm and its’ people I believe there is enough: Enough land, enough trust, enough creativity, enough food, enough joy, enough cooperation, enough solitude, enough compassion. There is enough and plenty to share. We’re not perfect. We never will be. But we really are blessed with the simple abundances that are often hard to find in a fast-paced, consumer culture.

Enough of these words. I’m putting on some music and doing A BUN DANCE! (ain’t that a picture?)

Water For Elephants

I just finished reading a wonderful book by Sara Gruen. Amazingly, “Water for Elephants” made it into my hands before I’d heard too much about the content. I’m not going to ruin it for you, but do advise you to read it all the way to the end or don’t read it at all. Thank you, thank you friends who had already read this gem and didn’t spill the beans before I’d had a chance to find for myself its’ delightful and surprising conclusion.

Before you run out to buy the book, let me be clear that it’s not necessarily an easy read. If you are caring for aging parents, you’ll probably shed a few tears. I certainly did, and at times I felt like someone threw a punch and knocked the air out of me. But the story is real…and loving…and compassionate. If you are caring for aging parents it should be required reading. I think I’ll read it again just in case I missed something the first time around.

And there are also plenty of issues that confront the places we hide our fears and prejudice. Sex, cruelty (human & animal), racism, social norms. Yeah, there’s some blatant truth to deal with. And then there are also characters who restore your faith by their unexpected kindness, deep values, and willingness to risk it all to live with integrity. Okay, if I haven’t scared you off….

The story is also a great summer read. Full of the thrills of circus life and eccentric characters. And oh yes, there are animals, and cotton candy, travel by train, and young love. This is a book that makes me glad to have a rocking chair, good light, and enough time to savor a great story.